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And even though I could stop going to class, avoid Lincoln Center, and cancel my subscription to Pointe magazine, I couldn’t unlearn the Funny uConn Huskies Toddler 2023 NCAA Men’s Basketball National Champions Bracket T-Shirt it is in the first place but values of ballet. Sometimes, in social settings or at school, I felt like I was still reading from a different script. Even as I finished high school and college, I couldn’t stop stalking my old ballet classmates on Facebook or dreaming about dancing at night. In my early 20s, I became obsessed with being as thin as possible, and I wondered if I was trying—now that it was too late—to look like the dancer I’d never become, as if trying to prove my fidelity to an ex-lover who had moved on. Occasionally, on request, I would dig up my pointe shoes—I could never bring myself to throw them away—and balance on my toes, then ask myself when the once central fact of my life had been reduced to a party trick.

Fifteen years after I officially quit ballet, I still attend the Funny uConn Huskies Toddler 2023 NCAA Men’s Basketball National Champions Bracket T-Shirt it is in the first place but occasional open class, and I often catch myself daydreaming: The teacher stops me on my way out to ask me who I am, what’s my story, how did someone with so much talent end up here? Out of loyalty to Balanchine, I would keep my fourth-position back leg straight as I prepare for a pirouette. (Classically trained dancers take off from two bent knees—an easier position from which to push off—but Balanchine dancers pride themselves on the ability to spring up from an off-kilter pose.) When I read that Balanchine chose Guerlain’s L’Heure Bleue for his then muse Maria Tallchief, I looked up the fragrance online. I saw that it was still being produced—the website said it had notes of iris and vanilla—and I ordered it. The liquid inside the bottle was golden yellow, and the top resembled an old-fashioned glass stopper. My first thought, when I sprayed it in the bathroom, was that it would be a good choice for keeping track of someone’s whereabouts in the theater (as Balanchine claimed to do)—the smell is overwhelming. It’s loud and sweet and a little fusty. All day, I sniffed my wrists, feeling both glamorous and creepy.

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